PORTLAND, OR – The increasing rate of incarceration in the U.S. has had an unexpected influence on the way Americans hold on to their important personal items.
When Josh Santiago wished to pay for his morning cup of coffee on Monday he did not reach into the back pocket of his worn blue jeans to grab his wallet. Instead, he dug it out of a much more concealed spot very near to his pant’s back pocket.
“I like keeping my stuff in there because it’s safer. No pick-pocket’s going to get into there without me knowing” Santiago explained as he removed two one dollar bills from a brown leather billfold. “I got my car keys in there too, and sometimes I’ll even stuff my cell phone up there.”
Santiago represents the growing number of Americans who like to keep their most important personal items in their ass.
The trend, which began in the nation’s prisons as a way to conceal contraband, has recently grown to include people who have never spent time behind bars.
“I’ve never been in jail but it’s a great place to keep my keys while I work out” Shannon Underwood told us while stretching before her morning jog at Duniway City Park. “The great thing is not only are they safe but they don’t jingle since they’re in there nice and snug.”
However, it is this snugness that may be the biggest drawback to this method of carrying your accessories.
“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in the number of cases where we need to dislodge something from people’s asses. The hospital used to dig three or four items out of people in an average week now that number has increased to three or four people a day” Dr. Kathy Ruiz of Shiner’s Hospital said.
“It is a great place to keep a few important things, I usually keep a pen up there when I’m at work, people just have to remember that it’s a limited–load space” Ruiz continued. “Remember, if you put something too far up there you’re probably going to need assistance getting it out since it won’t just crawl out of there on its own like a gerbil.”
Despite the potential drawback of having emergency room staff fish around in your butthole with a coat hanger, the trend doesn’t seem to be losing any popularity.
“I can’t think of a better place for my reading glasses” one elderly man said as he waited for a bus on Hooker Street. “It’s padded and it’s always right there behind me. Sure it can sometimes be a pain cleaning the lenses and the smell isn’t terrific, but that’s really a small price to pay for never losing track of something so important.”
